Congrats! You're having a baby!!
WOAH.
The most important thing in your entire life is happening…
Maybe you’re excited, scared, maybe you’re feeling ALL of everything! Take in those feels. Breathe.
The best thing you can do is relax.
I repeat: the BEST thing you can do in your life right now is to relax, for YOU and the baby. Slow it down. YOU are all your baby needs. Your body knows what to do, you just have to get out of her way. (okay, there are some things you can do, but it is more mental prep than anything else).
My biggest tips:
Relax (REALLY! get help, accept love, breath)
Eat well (think nutrients, and drink lots of water): YOU ARE BUILDING A HUMAN
Move (blood flow from walking and light strength training, as pregnancy appropriate)
Make ONE appointment with a chiropractor (who FOCUSES on prenatal/pregnancy). more if you can, but just learn to stand/sit more centered and appropriately.
Consider a doula
The Fun Part
The moment of bringing life into this world is the start of the most psychadelic experience you could ever imagine- WITHOUT the psychadelics! (I am not a fan of most drugs, pending definition, but I do love the idea of changing our minds deeply away from sleep walking through life).
No really, giving birth is one of those things that changes your mind faster and more profoundly than any drug, plant, or any other event you could imagine. Your brain literally changes. You become a mamma bear. Your body shifts and your life shifts with it. It is a transcendent moment- and we have been amazed by it since, well - forever! (at least since we have existed -or at least contemplated existing).
And as my husband says… having a baby is like having a puppy x10. The love that comes into your life is incredible.
You WILL get your life back eventually, but it will also never be the same. Consider the next 5 years chalked off to this little new body/universe that you are right now creating. After that, you get to go back to your same routine PRETTY MUCH as before, if you want to, but with some new buddies.
Relax
Okay, this might be one of the hardest parts- especially when you learn that- as a pregnant woman- almost all of society’s biases towards women and minorities becomes its most transparent.
So this part is to help you understand that you will be up against some major stigmas, but also that you can do something about it. At the very least- you can visualize the culture that SHOULD be there to support its own people generating new life!
When you think about it- pregnancy is incredible. And the way we raise our children has huge impacts on how we will all be taken care of as old people. We are raising the people who will take care of us. So yea- there is a lot on our shoulders. But we will take it one day at a time. I am just hoping to help add a few tidbits to help get you ready for the hard stuff.
It is really hard to relax when you hear that there is a lot working against you. But sometimes it helps just to acknowledge that. The US is one of the only industrialized countries that does NOT have a maternity leave program. In California, we are lucky to get some paid days off- dads too! But most states do not get that. And even women who stay at home- they are expected to do so happily- and without any support. We value our individuality. It shows strength- or some BS like that.
But when having a baby- you want all the help you can get. And not just any help- try to surround yourself with people you actually like- people who are actually good for you. Doesn’t matter if blood related or not- consider this moment in time to be totally selfish- and unselfish at the same time… you ARE building a family here…- it is your time to be totally selfish and cut out the people in your life not serving you. Now that is in the same sentence as the one about getting help. Do what you need to feel supported.
Many of us have to work up until the day we give birth. And that is not okay. But it is normal. Many of us are told about self care- but also with the expectation that the food we eat nourishes us in some way. Most of the food in America is the oppositte of nourishing. We live in a world setting us up for disease or eating disorders. But this is not a world meant for babies. We live in a culture set up to sell you stuff. And to keep eating non stop. This is NOT what your baby needs. Your baby needs nutrients. You can eat all the crap in the world and still feel starving- and depleted- because that baby is SEARCHING for nutrients. And what it cannot find- it takes from you.
So when i say here that eating is important - I mean it is crucial to your baby’s development to get the nutrients it needs. And if it doesn’t, YOU suffer. Women who do not take care of themselves (or get help doing so) during pregnancy are the ones who end up with aches, stretch marks (yes, these are being understood as a byproduct of sugar), and depression.
So if you do feel yourself inclined to eating something unhealthy- hey, we are human! We are just doing what we are used to - what we were PROGRAMMED to do, what food scientists FOUND to get us addicted to… but we can understand that, give in sometimes, but also start building our defenses. If we see something we want, maybe we call up a friend or partner and ask if they can make you a healthier version somehow. And complain together. Then hopefully open a bakeshop that is sugar-free and gluten-free. But allow yourself to feel everything - and once this baby comes, maybe find your place in the world you are so passionate about and lend a hand back out to other mamas who need to hear it.
And maybe one day- with enough of us having loud enough voices - we can get the government to stop subsidizing garbage food (wheat, soy, corn for corn syrup), and make organic the norm.
Why relax?
This is a time to accept the hugs, the love, all the things our culture tells us to do individually. But this is where you start needing help. It is important to have a tribe. You can slowly learn about WHY our culture is obsessed with this individual-ness, and how it was not set up in favor of mamas and families and all that - but for now, know you will be working against some norms. But just because something is normal, does not mean it is right- for YOU. Be prepared for that. You got this. There are some things to do to help feel like you are no longer swimming up river. And I’ve come to kind of enjoy going against the grain. Being a mom makes even the shy-est of us all stand up for something, because you are!
Consider these next few months of pregnancy as your time to prep by ACCEPTING help from others. This is a time for building a tribe, if you do not already have one. And if you don’t have it, and can’t make it happen - or just overwhelmed? IMAGINE IT.
IMAGINE the world you wish you lived in. The mind is incredible, and right now, you need to FEEL supported.
And it does NOT matter at all what it takes for anyone else to feel good - do what feels good to YOU. Close your eyes. Dig deep- learn to LISTEN to your body, to your intuition. We have learned to repress our desires to fit in. But giving birth most easily means allowing your subconscious to rule- let that OLDER brain system work without our more recent conscious mind getting in the way. Let’s sync back up.
It is also a time to remove all exogenous substances (as medically appropriate): drugs, caffeine, alcohol, crappy food and sugar and canola oils… anything numbing we use regularly in our culture. For one- it may not be good for the baby, but also we want to pay attention. This is a time to really understand yourself by pausing and listening, raw and unhindered.
A beautiful excercise is to imagine meeting your younger self on a beautiful beach. And just giving yourself a hug, letting yourself know everything in the future will be alright. That you are beautiful and wonderful and are so loved in this life. It is actually kind of potentially life changing vision. Think about the generational trauma YOU can prevent from transmitting to the next generation. Sometimes i think of the anger that i remember from people in my childhood trying to crawl into thoughts and words i want to use- and think about how easy it can be to slip into that role, but then realize i can intentionally steer away from that and be who I would like to be. At least I can always try. We also want to acknowledge when someone hurts us or if something is painful in our lives and address it. NOTICE when our emotions shift. Because they WILL shift a lot. Know that everything passes. Everything.
Know that your brain is making incredible STRUCTURAL changes right now. A mom’s brain literally SHRINKS up to 25% by the end of pregnancy, but it actually GROWS BACK larger than before. That is literal, structural, brain changes. YOU are changing for this baby inside you- physically, mentally - everything. You are creating LIFE inside you. And all that baby needs is you. So you need someone to help take care of you now! Help take the load off.
Realize that your body, right now, needs every possible cell of energy to be in growth mode. Your body is always in one of two states: growth or defense. This is an actual truth of neuroscience.
Every tiny cell in your body always has two options, like a switch: Grow or Defend. Rest/Grow or Flight/Fight/Freeze.
And your baby is literally growing at lightning pace - so let that baby have every bit of energy it can have for growth!
Understanding the details of childbirth helps us understand how quickly our perceptions change our body’s ability to react in the moment- so often labor is stalled because, naturally, our body wants us to have babies only in a safe place. Our bodies do NOT have eyes themselves, they rely on our perceptions and surges of hormones to know what is going on in the outside world. So again- our bodies are incredibly intelligent and basically have its own mind, our subconcious mind, that uses OUR emotions and reactions to decide how to respond. As soon as a woman perceives a threat, fertility decreases. If a woman gets pregnant in a dangerous situation, her life is in danger. And our bodies respond appropriately.
All that being said- sex is super healthy. All through pregnancy, being in touch with emotions and sexual desires is actually all good for helping labor continue unthreatened. And that stress or support a woman perceives has an impact on the kind of birth she has. Birth is just a physical example of the way our bodies require a connection between conscious and subconscious drivers, but anything fertility related is also health related. If you feel sexy in your day-to-day, that is an incredibly good thing.
Another of the biggest reasons managing stress while pregnant is so important, is that stress can actually make your labor/childbirth more painful. Fear causes that incredible muscle of the uterus to close up- at the exact moment it is trying to open. And the muscle fighting itself is painful. So the more scared you are, the more painful labor will be. This is why it is incredibly important to learn some techniques to turn this into an empowering experience, rather than one you are totally freaked out about.
Food
Imagine if you could turn back time, and help YOUR mom and dad navigate this whole pregnancy thing. What would you offer in support? If you were told that food could make a difference in how that baby forms (how YOU form), would you hope they would make some changes?
Give your body the best nutrients (good food and tons of water) because THOSE are the building blocks of that baby. Self care IS GOOD FOOD - NOT indulgence. But don’t beat yourself up if you do eat some crap, just try to put some strategies in place. There are so many ways to eat well and eat good stuff at the same time! (this site if FULL of examples!) Lots of lazy food ideas here to start.
If anything else- studies show stretch marks are from eating too much sugar and fried food in pregnancy- and the collagen in skin not getting what it needs to hold together. But more importantly, you are literally BUILDING your baby right now. You are forming their brain and organs- so learn what you can to do the most good while you can! Want that super model, athlete, healthy, smart, emotionally stable baby? NOW is the time their muscles are forming- so let them have the best building blocks while you DO have control.
If you spend any money on anything to baby prep at all - start with the best quality food as possible. Indulge! But in the healthy stuff. Get REALLY good veggies, ones that actually taste good (fancy appetizers from nice restaurants make great meals). Get good meat, cut out canola oil and anything with corn syrup or sugar. Your baby can live in blankets the first month- and will just want to be on you constantly. I have heard time and time again the baby room nursery did not get TOUCHED the whole first year. Yep. My son grew out of so many clothes before I even got to wash them first. Consider that a blessing. That baby only needs you. OKay- and maybe diapers.
YOU are what that baby needs. And that baby will get everything it needs right there, from you- without you having to know how to do at all. But anything it doesn’t have? that baby takes from you.
I have heard one male writer (of course) compare a baby to a parasite- but I hate that analogy- it is totally incorrect. Yes- they are taking from you, but they will be giving more back to you than you can ever imagine. And if you supply that baby all the nutrients and water they need- they won’t HAVE to take from you! They are teaching you to listen to your own body and can help you shift into a new normal that you wish you would have started long ago.
Yes- taking care of yourself while pregnant is an incredibly selfish thing- and the least selfish thing you can ever do. Because what that baby does not get - it will take from your nutrient stores. Many women get tooth problems, depression, aches, etc after giving birth. And that typically means she was depleted of something- whether mental or physical. Studies show that the women who ended up with the lowest rates of depression were those with the greatest support groups. Moms with highest risk/rates of post-natal depression are the ones who FELT least supported. And it is ALL about how SHE perceives she is cared for. It is all personal.
And it is never too late to start building! Nutrient reserves- or friends. I did not have a perfect system, but sheesh did I THINK about it. I thought about the perfect world that doesn’t exist. A community of supportive women AND men and babies running around me - a community with so much love. So much of people accepting me for me, cooking for me, helping me rest, laughing together. Living in a time and place that would never- and maybe COULD never really exist- but i can make that vision happen- at least in my mind. And visuals are incredibly strong.
I actually lost my mom at 17 years old, and just moved and had all the symptoms of being a working woman… aka basically acting as a man- because that is what our current society was structured for. The working day revolves around a man’s simple hormone structure. But if men have the sun, women have the sun AND the moon. Meaning: As a woman, we have the same system as a man, but that and more. We all have the same cortisol spikes in the morning, but women have a monthly cycle that changes by the day, and we can lean into that system to learn how and when to push ourselves to act WITH our body instead of constantly fighting against it.
That is why women have been removed from most medical studies until the 1990’s: we are just too complicated and messy for our (smart, smartest system in the world? ha) to ever try to untangle.
Movement
Research shows that movement while pregnant helps babies express their genes in a more healthful pattern. The best movements are walking, and light strength training.
Strong blood flow (from walking) and working your muscles during pregnancy shows to increase brain matter and change the DNA structure in your baby in the best possible ways.
Yoga is great for mind and body. You can find some great online workouts for your stage of pregnancy.
Squats help strengthen the pelvic muscles: think one squat per week of pregnancy. (think 40 squats per day in the last week!)
Spinning Babies is an amazingly scientific program to learn how to move your body in the best ways to help the baby get in the best position, and think about birth in ways to be set up in the best ways possible.
I would also highly suggest seeing a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy in the last trimester. They also do massage! They will help tell you how to stand and sit and align your body so your baby is in the best possible position to give birth easiest!
Consider a doula
My NEXT biggest tip, after calming down and eating right, is to get a doula. Hire a person to help you navigate this world of childbirth.
You don’t need her right away, but by the second or third trimester, start learning a little more about how she can help that incredibly empowering/intimidating moment of birth. They are there to help you have the kind of birth YOU want, whatever that looks like.
Our best chance of understanding ourselves is to take our health back into our own hands. To be preventative vs reactive. To NOT require someone else to be boss of us and tell us what to do (ahem, show up and have a doctor “deliver” our baby to us). We hire our doctors, and we can do the research of what is best for us if we know where to look. And we are less scared if we know what to expect. Being in the dark is the scariest thing we can do- and that is what our medical model sets us up for: for some nameless person to walk into a nameless room, “catch” a baby, and walk out to the next room.
We have SO much information available to us- research and stories- and just sometimes need some guidance to sort through it all to learn what is best for us. Plus, birth is just fascinating. So I read SO MANY BOOKS, and the best research helps us calm down and do the simplest things, eat the simplest things, to do best for ourselves and our babies. But understanding the WHY is incredibly empowering. Because BIRTH is EMPOWERING. Let it be. Don’t give your doctor all the credit. This is YOU.
Doulas are worth every penny (but might cost you $2,000 out of pocket). Based on the research, the positive impacts on birth (and decrease in risks) is so powerful that if having a doula were a drug, it would be negligent for your doctor NOT to prescribe you one. Many doula services offer support if you cannot afford it. We all, as humans, like to help those in need. Do not ever feel intimidated or worth-less to even ask for/about this.
But for now, let it all settle in. Know that your body will physically cooperate better with you if you relax. You are not a machine, and we react to mental things and external things and we do our best when we are not fighting with our own best interests!
So my biggest tips:
Relax (REALLY! get help, accept love, breath)
Eat well (and drink lots of water): YOU ARE BUILDING A HUMAN
Move (blood flow from walking and light strength training, as pregnancy appropriate)
Consider a doula
And once you are ready to dive in, I have a BUNCH of resources to help you out. But this is a good stopping point to go take a glass of water and go for a little walk. <3
(and if you want a snack, because OF COURSE YOU DO!, find the best quality bone broth possible and take a sip). Better yet, ask someone you love to make it for you!
Resources:
Note: none of the food here is cheap. But real food is not subsidized (while crap food is). Go as clean as you can afford. Check out local farmers markets, work at a farming co-op. Grow your own veggies to blend into soups. There is nothing worth prioritizing higher than in this exact moment. Imagine yourself passing your genes on like an olympic torch. In this moment, this year or so of your life, take care of yourself like never before.
Nutrients
My favorite Prenatal Vitamins: Thorne (3x per day, spaced out)
Fish oil, several tablespoons per day
Probiotics - Visbiome, starting in the third trimester (based on my favorite researcher Dr. Rhonda Patrick’s own pregnancy choices)
Vitamin D (actually a hormone, sunlight is good too!) and cook the bones for 6+ hours w lots of good soup veggie scraps)
Foods (strictly based on the science, not politics)
Bone broth (make a weekly ritual, get the bone marrow bones if you can!)
Mama Tong makes a good broth in California, but any butcher should have good bones.
I even started seeing marrow bones in the Safeway freezer section
Eggs, 2 per day for choline, brain health of baby
(now is not the time to be politically correct, get the egg yolks! eat those animal products. Everything we eat is alive, even the plants. You can get philosophical after pregnancy).
Salmon Roe, Vital Choice
(fish eggs), salmon has highest nutrients and least mercury, taken daily with a fat (like avocado)
DRINK LOTS OF WATER, think your weight of lbs in oz of water.
for example: if weigh 120 lb, drink 120 oz of water daily. (get a large 60oz water bottle and fill it at least 2x per day).
Books to start with:
Mama Naturals week by week (super long, but can just read each week as you go)
Real Food for Pregnancy by Lily Nichols
i love how she says to prioritize nutrients above all else. ignore filler foods like rice and noodles and bread. Pack in the nutrients with most dense punch per bite.
Deep Nutrition (i wish every human read this… about how our food choices affect our DNA).
More to learn about:
toxins that pass through the umbilical cord (on average, babies are now born with 200+ toxins), and we want to prevent as much of these as possible! this includes:
toxins in your home (lead in home, cheap furniture, mattresses, etc)
up leveling lotion/deodorant products (remove ones with cheap fragrances, aluminum, and preservatives)
understanding organics (clothes, food, everything)
removing cheap fragrances (scented candles, cleaning products, etc)
